Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Breaking News!

In one of the most solem events over which a president presides, President Obama today posthumously awarded Marine recruit William (Billy) Silverston the Congressional Medal of Honor for his intended future gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.

On 6 September 2008, while standing in his first formation at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego California, recruit Silverston was constantly and intentionally removing his feet from the foot marks painted in yellow on the parade ground receiving area.

When confronted by his assistant drill instructor, recruit Silverston skillfully and without regard for his own safety, kept moving his feet from the painted yellow markings after the assistant drill instructor turned his back. Even after the assistant drill instructor was reinforced by the entire drill instructor contingent, recruit Silverston continued on his mission to piss them off. After a prolonged and intense battle, recruit Silverston succumb to the injuries sustained when the three drill instructors beat the living shit out of the recruit.

Recruit Silverston was singled out for his intended future gallantry after the other recruits and the officer in charge reported that throughout the beating Silverston kept yelling that he "would really antagonize the enemy with his confrontational attitude" when he made it to an actual battlefield. Recruit Silverston was also heard to yell "don't taze me bro" and "I bet I could get a lot of the enemy to quit if I piss them off enough, just like Sergeant York".

Through his single-handed efforts, recruit Silverston furthered the advance of his platoon by deflecting the attention of the drill instructors from the other recruits, and by stating his intended future gallant efforts against the enemy while invoking Sergeant York. Through those and other intended actions, recruit Silverston upheld the highest traditions of the United States Marine Corps.

After the ceremony, the President noted that "speaking truth to power" was one of the exceptional personal traits exhibited by recruit Silverston, and that invoking Sergeant York during the brutal beating was "brilliant" and "significantly bolstered" his case for his intended future gallant actions.

"Let me be clear, I'm really saddened that Billy will not be available to join our team. We could really use someone like Billy who, even under the most difficult of circumstance, has the presence of mind to invoke a famous historical individual to highlight their future intentions" the President said. "Amazing" was the description of Silverston used by the President several times during the ceremony. The President also encouraged other recruits to develop those skills and dedicate themselves to their use just as Silverston had done.

In other news, the trial of Marine Staff Sergeant Bill Thompson, Marine Sergeant Tom Bradley, and Marine Sergeant Fred Jackson has been scheduled to begin December 21st. The charges of murder in the first degree were thrown out by presiding judge Major John Vikor after a preliminary hearing in the case, but the charges of manslaughter in the first degree were upheld. Second Lieutenant Robert Gates was cleared of charges in the death of recruit William (Billy) Silverston after he testified in the preliminary hearing that he "thought that the Sergeants' actions were justified" and that "as a new Lieutenant he was used to following the lead of his seasoned NCO's". Trial testimony is due to begin in early January.